The Ms. diagnosis of COVID
-certified by a professional quack.
I wish I had the patience to talk about COVID, but sadly I have lost it as well as what many may say “sane mind”. Yes, you heard that correct. I have lost a “sane mind”. Shocking, isn’t it? Especially in the lockdown where everyone has reflected on themselves and has learned more about who they are and what they stand for. Holding on to that thought, I would love to share a few stories with you. As soon as the first COVID patient appeared in Pune, I had already self-quarantined myself for two weeks before the lockdown was announced. When the lockdown was made official, my ears started itching. Yes, you heard that right, ITCHING. Being blessed with a paranoid mind, I frantically diagnosed it as – you know it – COVID. Then after a few weeks, I had an itchy throat. This was naturally followed by another self-quarantine episode of 3 weeks with no human contact, no windows open.
Two weeks later, I had diarrhoea. Wait… what? Staying at home for more than a month, eating home-cooked food gives you diarrhoea? It is a fact. It did. While watching the news listing vomiting and nausea as symptoms, the same thought that probably used to enter the minds of millions ( the aware yet secretly clueless) entered mine – This is definitely Covid. I am surely going to get infected. I appear to have recovered thrice! The next thing that hits me is a cough. Now I know what you guys are thinking. If she survived COVID thrice, then she is
immune. Exactly! That’s what I thought too! But I think this particular wave of paranoia was because of the different mutating strains shown on the news. The cough was not going away; neither was the headache, so I took an Allegra. (Do not attempt any such medication if anyone has such symptoms. It has been used only by professionals. Please consult your doctor.). And guess what? The cough went away. My simple conclusion to it – Allegra treats COVID. Done.
One night I woke up with palpitations, sweating, nausea and had an episode of projectile vomiting. Self-declared doctors such as us know that this is definitely COVID and cannot possibly be old chilli sauce mixed with cream cheese. I was so sure of it now that I begged to get tested. All along on the news, they kept saying GET TESTED! Well, I wanted to, but no one was ready! How rude! I was absolutely taken aback. But I let it go. We always have a secret weapon ready, right? May it be a trait or perhaps a talent; I had Crocin! (Not so much of a secret anymore.)
A few days ago, I woke up with constant sharp, throbbing pain in my left abdomen. And I knew I had to get an ultrasound; this was serious. Don’t you believe me? Google it!! Well, I went to the doctor to get it checked and was utterly surprised! Till now, what I had been diagnosing using Google and the news was all wrong! How is that possible? I even went back to my books but was disappointed when I found ‘sharp and throbbing pain in the left abdomen’ could result from many things. But turns out it was just constipation. This was devastating. But this is nothing that half a Combiflam can’t fix. Now I have a heat problem and I’m pretty sure it’s because they found a COVID case in my building! It has to be related!!
All jokes apart, this has made me realise what a world we live in, where we can only see the worst or nothing. People will either be hiding in corners or be utterly fearless. They feel that they can go back to their old ways just because the death rates have gone down. I sometimes wonder whether my MBBS education will actually be useful. India seems to solely work on Crocin and Combiflam. ‘‘We are supposed to trust Google, right?” is the most common question. Blindly trusting everything on the internet often results in us being sucked into a never-ending black hole of unrelated but quite relevant questions. So moral of the story: We are our own doctors; writing prescriptions to ourselves is very much like death notes to our body.
If someone actually believed this entire piece, I’m afraid you need to get your facts straight. But hey, at least this article wasn’t about COVID, right?
Aditi Kulkarni is currently pursuing her undergrad degree in MBBS in Smt. Kashibai Navale Medical College. A second-year student who has a long way to go to become a good doctor has an eclectic taste in music and is a firm follower of David Attenborough. She stands true to her belief “Dogs over Humans” any day.